The Dreaded Question

There is one question that I see most transgender people ask at some point or another; while I understand why they feel compelled to ask, for me the answer is totally pointless. It’s that thing we hear repeating in our head as we venture out into the world seeking confidence that we belong here as the person we know we need to be. It’s a manifestation of our own doubts, and it’s the question that regardless how often it garners a positive response, we choose to disregard those responses in lieu of wallowing in our own self-doubt. So what is this question?

It comes up daily in the forums, and groups, and oddly enough, by the time a lot of people begin asking the question they have achieved a level of presentation that society will mostly accept. That caveat of “most” people accepting their gender presentation is the part we all need to understand. Our “tells” can vary greatly based on a bunch of factors. The age at which we began transitioning is the one things that has the greatest impact on body characteristics. Clothing and prosthetics can help augment issues with appearing as our true gender and allow us to blend in better. But such augments are never a guarantee of acceptance or “passability.” We need to change our perception of passability from one of external opinions to one of internal belief.

While I don’t recall ever having asked anyone if I “pass,” I need to admit that I might have done so. I totally understand why we do this, but I’m going to advocate for shifting our expectations regarding our presentation.

I suppose what I might be guilty of is an inversion of the question; the proclamation “I know I don’t pass.” This is intended to garner a similar response from the community where others will stand up and re-affirm our presentation. What we need to understand is that unless a community is chock full of assholes, no one is going to out-right deny our identity by whether we’ve met an arbitrary metric that is equal to being “passable.”

The people in the communities aren’t being dishonest, but they more than likely won’t respond to the question at all if they feel you don’t “Pass.” This can lead to a stilted and overtly positive response to posing the question. So what’s the point of asking it if you can’t get the truth anyway. You cannot judge the book by the cover, and truth with regard to something so subjective is something you’ll never really get by asking random people in your community. The truth simply isn’t…

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