Motherhood Does Not Equal Martyrdom

A year-end breastfeeding reflection.

We made it. One full year of breastfeeding — my goal. I should be proud, right. I faced more challenges than I ever expected and still made it through the other side. Now that I’ve finally reached the end, I reflect back and think:

Was it worth it? Were the challenges I faced worth the breastfeeding relationship we had?

The answer: No — it was not worth it.

My breastfeeding journey should have ended at 2 weeks. The first day I went to my breastfeeding support group, I knew I wanted to quit. I am confident I took the wrong path, and I am not proud of this past year.

Sure, my first son — we had a great breastfeeding experience. Were the challenges I went through with him worth the breastfeeding experience? — Yes. But the emotional, physical, diet, and stress sacrifices I went through for my second son was beyond the bounds of what I should be willing to give as a mother.

What was wrong with me? Why did I stay and suffer? I wasn’t trapped. I could have quit at any time. Breastfeeding goals are not contracts. Let me say that again. Breastfeeding goals are not contracts….I wish someone told me that before.

They were not good reasons.

I am not a quitter. Nobody else would care if I continued or not. But I set a goal, and I would know I quit. And that’s enough for me to feel shame.

If I can do it for firstborn, I should do it for my second born. Even if the challenges faced are completely different.

I’d be a “bad mom” if I weren’t trying everything I could to provide what was “best” for my son. I had a great supply, so any other challenges I should face were within my control. I should always try to provide everything I can for my children.

Didn’t want to go through the hoops and fear of more hormones to wean and make formula bottles. So I kept the status quo even if I was miserable because it was easier than facing another set of unknown challenges ahead.

I know saying it out loud, all of these are terrible reasons to do anything. I see that now. Breastfeeding or not, I will need to work on these things to become a better mother. But I didn’t have that clarity while I was going through it. Instead, I endured the stress, pain, constant hunger, anger, and resentment about breastfeeding. Sure some days, I felt like a superwoman, but not every day.

They say never quit on a bad day. But maybe we should stop calling it quitting. You are not a failure if you have chosen to discontinue. I sacrificed too much of myself, my sanity, my diet, my health, and my happiness all for my son. I may not have “failed at my goal,” but certainly did not come out a winner.

Moving forward, I will try and remember that:

My needs are just as important as his.

We are in a relationship — a partnership. And with all relationships, it is a multivariate function with equal parts weight on his health and happiness along with my own health and happiness. I will need to remind myself motherhood does not equal sacrifice.

And because of that lesson… maybe, in the end, breastfeeding for a year was worth it. A year of sacrifice to learn that hard lesson. An important one to apply to all aspects of motherhood moving forward.

Motherhood does not equal martyrdom.

I encourage everyone to write their end journey recap. No matter the length or outcome of your journey.

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