Ten Funny Things To Say After Sex

If you want to be a real card in the sack, that is. If you want to be invited back, stick to the cliches.

Was that good for you? That’s what dull women ask after sex. It’s a valid question, and it seems to be what you each want to know, right? But really, sisters we can do better.

In an ideal world, where you two were really in sync, it wouldn’t be interrogative, it would be declarative: “That was good for you.” Or even an exclamation and some italics. “That was good for you!”

This isn’t an ideal world though — newsflash! And oftentimes you feel connected during the act, but as the member is removed from the orifice upon completion, the connectedness seems to be somewhat withdrawn as well.

With the post-coital question, the first words out of your mouth are an attempt to re-establish that connection.

Of course, since I’m a humor writer, I’m almost expected to say something funny. Sometimes I don’t feel like cracking a joke, though. It’s a very special zone, post-coitus. I don’t want to spoil the tranquility of it with a gut buster. But usually my reputation of hilarity has preceded me so the guys actually expect it. And TBH post-coital intimacy sucks. Next thing you know he’ll be moving in and you won’t be able to get rid of him for two years.

Speaking of sucking, if we end on fellatio, I will often go for a deadpan Aubrey Plaza type of barb after receiving a mouthful:

“Uh, I ordered the acai smoothie with the wheatgrass booster, I don’t think this is my drink.”

Then I spit it out into the glass I keep on my night table.

See, I don’t like to swallow, so this line actually gives me a useful comic “cover” to get rid of that bitter-tasting smart food called semen. I mean, I love a bit of arugula, but that’s more like dandelion greens, yuck.

If, on the other hand, he finishes me off with his mouth, I’ll try to say something to acknowledge the hard work he’s done there. I’ll put on my best dental hygienist voice and say:

“You might be numb for a little while, so no food for a couple hours. The feeling should return to your tongue and gum area within…

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