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When does the trait perfectionism become a problem?

Why whatever you do feels like it isn’t ‘good’ enough? Understanding the Perfectionist Fallacy and how to overcome it.

Over the years I have met people who are extraordinarily achieved in their field but often they don’t feel enough, or like they haven’t achieved anything. A common thread among all these people from my study is that their self-worth is exclusively based on how they meet certain standards.

What happens when you start striving for things instead of ‘being’? It starts to attack you and sense of who you are. The paradox? The better you do the worse you feel. There’s always a “I could’ve done better, I wish I had more time, I know my potential is much more”.

Simple metacognitive analysis — instead of using your default intellect, you adopt what I call the ‘framework mindset’, where each situation, response, and reflex is critically thought, reviewed, analyzed by your tiny brain, and then converted into actionable behavior i.e the response. You plan your words before replying, you overthink conversations, and you beat yourself up instead of asking for help. It exists in silent ways which make you berate yourself for not being able to perform certain things.

This is called the Perfectionist Fallacy.

Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Hill in their paper, ‘Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time’ define Perfectionism as a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations.

This behavior stems from dissatisfaction with where you are and who you are which ultimately feels like nothing is ever good enough and you ought to have control.

Back in college, this trait helped me excel pretty academically. But what it also did was make me constantly strive for things. There was always an inner monologue that whatever I did was not sufficient, and I could do better and set my standards higher.

Normal People: Work Well, Standards Increase, Satisfaction Increases.

Perfectionists: Because standards are so high, they beat themselves up and use self-criticism as a motivating factor. Always striving instead of feeling satisfied.

Psychologist Alfred Adler was the first to theorize perfectionism in the 1930s in his research on individual psychology. He asserted that perfectionistic tendencies were coping vehicles by which individuals dealt with and, at times, overcame core insecurities (inferiorities).

Harvard Business Review calls such people as high achievers who are also ‘sensitive strivers’ “…often applauded for the way they explore angles and nuance. But at the same time, more susceptible to overthinking, stress, and overwhelm”. This is one of the major stimulants of striving to continually keep performing.

The following expert is a direct quote from the book Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to Conceptualization, Assessment, and Treatment. (2017).

Although striving for superiority does refer to the desire to be better, it also contains the idea that we want to be better than others, rather than better in our own right which becomes the entire basis of us doing things.

Perfectionists believe self-criticism is motivating but instead, it keeps lowering your self-esteem and makes you unsatisfied with whatever you do.

The only positive here is that you’re a human and your brain is malleable i.e it can be easily influenced and controlled by detaching from old habits and patterns and generating new ones.

If you have tendencies towards criticizing yourself invariably or low self-esteem, there is a lot you can change. Repeated criticism infiltrates the human mind. Perfectionists believe self-criticism is motivational but what it also does is keep boiling down your self-esteem resulting in a disoriented confidence system. Dr. Keith Gaynor, a senior psychologist talks about the two broad types of confidence we carry;

a. Swing Confidence i.e when things go well, you feel brilliant. You are on top of the world but if they go out of your way– you suddenly feel terrible. You are getting marks, doing good but one bad grade, and you get into a loop of self-criticism and regret.

b. Core confidence i.e you know you’re good and even if it isn’t your day even if things are not right — you put your mind and have an outlook that is ‘It’s okay I know I am still fundamentally okay. I tried my best.

Dr Andrew Huberman PhD talks about how gratitude enhances cognitive flexibility. He mentions ‘gratitude practice is a ‘prosocial behavior’ which means it allows us to be more effective in interactions with ourselves and others” and build core confidence.

Goals are good but sometimes they aren’t simple, they are innately competing for i.e the fight between our reality and our ambition. Don’t get me wrong here, it’s good to be ambitious — what is not good is being over-ambitious.

Perfectionism can lead you to believe that if you don’t make the “correct” choice, then you are a failure. This is called the ‘Binary’ Cognitive Distortion or the faulty ‘All or Nothing Thinking — a style of thinking that sets an unreasonable rule in which any outcome below 100% is 0 and spirals down to the self-blame mindset. If you get an A-, your day is gone overthinking why didn’t you get an A+. If you eat a piece of cake, your diet is completely ruined and the fear of gaining weight cripples in.

Self-blame is almost sure to follow. Why?

I like to be a good person but it’s ok If I lose my temper.

I am on a diet but it’s okay to put emotional needs over physical and beat however I may like at times.

The most successful happy and mentally strong people in the world aren’t those who work relentlessly but those who have mastered the art of recovery and recuperation. People who know when to stop and take a break. When you start running the first mile you’re super stoked and full of energy and as the mile keeps on increasing, eventually your body starts to drain out, and the ability to run peaks off.

Instead of ‘no no I’ll work hard’ you rewire your inner monologue to ‘okay I have done enough’

Rigid Rules= Criticism= Failure

Flexible Rules= Appreciation= Positive Emotions= Success

You don’t need any science here, just some logic and discipline to understand breaks that replenish your energy v/s breaks that turn 10 mins into 1 hour of procrastination (yes, I’m talking about those endless social media scrolling).

Brain on Overdrive= Cognitive Fatigue= Battery Runs out ‘quicker’

Rest and Recouperation= Balance= Deep+ Better Work

How To Do this? Identify Distractions. Set Blockers.

Follow the Pomodoro Technique i.e for every 40 mins of undisrupted work — reward yourself with a 10 min breather.

Research has shown that 80% of stress and anxiety originates from lack of structure — in your day, week, life everything. What simple goal and vision setting does is rewire the consciousness to perform and engage in things that replenish the mind. Perfectionists have tendencies to work in ‘binary mindset’ i.e whatever they are doing is either right or wrong instead of focussing on the incremental value.

Break away from the habit of binary results because what it does is, again, make you constantly strive for things instead of enjoying the process. Gradually, chip away because real results take sustainable habits which take time to build. Divide goals and actions into small bits and pieces and work in a fragmented motivation mindset.

The best way to engage in flexible goals is using the 10/10/10 Method by Suzy Welch. With two minutes of right thinking, you can make smarter long-term decisions. All you have to do is just consider how you will feel about the decision in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years.

Do I see myself being a Ph.D. in 10 years? Yes. Do I see myself applying for research positions in the coming 10 months? Yes. Does my current action i.e writing this article contribute to both the goals? Yes.

So I continue to write.

We live in an era where we are not allowed to take compliments without the sprink of modesty. We don’t acknowledge our hard work. We don’t recognize what we do. It doesn’t need to be extraordinary. Own up these things. You don’t have to climb Everest to take a compliment or run down because of what you are doing, ‘I am pretty sure other 7 billion people have done too’. Count the effort over achievement. Be appreciative and gentle of the process because that’s where the real learning happens.

I’m happy being me; whether it’s a good day or a bad day.

I am learning how to be a good person.

I didn’t get that job. It’s okay there are other opportunities.

You can set your goals and sometimes you have to adjust and embrace the power of letting go (remember rigid standards v/s flexible standards?). When you do, it’s important to praise yourself. If you work like this, you can build robust self-esteem. Protect your mood and overcome obstacles life throws and finally……..

Be happy with whatever you achieve.

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